2021 may have been even more rough of a year than 2020 for me, and the entire world shut down in 2020. 2021 was my first full year of my 30s, and I’ve felt like my life is in a constant state of metamorphosis. Relationships with love, friends, family, and constantly changing and ending. Along with new ones beginning. 2021 has taught me a lot of life lessons, and here are my Top 10 Realizations of 2021.
1. 30s ARE OUR 20s BUT WITH MONEY
I always was excited to enter my 30s, because long ago someone told me that our 30s are our 20s, but with money. My first year of my 30s was definitely more financially blessed than my 20s. I’m happy to leave those struggle years behind me. I definitely need to learn how to be more financially responsible, but I’ve learned to save better than ever before. I just need to stick with it for the rest of my life.
2. A DNA TEST CAN UNCOVER ALL YOUR FAMILY SECRETS
I finally got my Ancestry DNA test done this year. I mainly did it to find out my ethnic background. I know I’m black, but obviously being light skinned and racially ambiguous, I’ve always had people pester me with questions about what am I mixed with. So the only way for me to find out was to take a DNA test. I learned that my DNA is 81% African, 17% European, 1% Asian, and 1% Native South American. Yet the biggest takeaway from my DNA test is that the man my mom believed was her father her entire life, isn’t her father. I discovered that my mom has a half sister, and my aunts/uncles I believed were my mom’s full siblings are half siblings. My cousins I believed were my full cousins are my half cousins. My grandmother kept this secret for nearly 60 years, and it took me getting a DNA test to uncover it.
3. ANYBODY CAN GET CUT OFF
It’s still crazy to think that I really lost 2 of my longest lasting friendships this year. Friends I’ve had since high school. Friends that I’ve had for half my life. We don’t talk anymore. I thought I was getting better with not being so quick to delete, block, and erase people from my life, but sometimes it’s just necessary. The friendships weren’t the same. Plus someone is having a major event and inviting all their closest friends, and I’m not invited or even told about the event at all, there’s no friendship left to salvage. Also if other friends participate in hiding it from me along with making it clear where their loyalties lie (and it’s not with me), they get can get cut off too. I don’t do fake friendships. Not all friendships are meant to last our entire lives, and 15 years was a good run. I choose to appreciate the memories I shared with people, and look forward to a future without them in my life.
4. AIR SIGNS ARE AIR HEADS
Every zodiac compatibility tried to warn me that Scorpios and Geminis will never work. My ex and I tried to make it work, but it just wasn’t meant to be. I will never say never to dating another Gemini, since my ex wasn’t even the first Gemini I dated, just the only one that made it to boyfriend status. I just don’t think air signs are for me. Geminis, Aquarians, and Libras are all air heads. Air signs are air heads. How they think is not compatible with how my mind operates. They lack the loyalty and moral code that I abide by, along with failing to be accountable for their actions. Plus they refuse to leave their exes in the fucking past. I’m just skeptical if I’ll ever have success with an air sign. They just do so much dumb shit, and I don’t have the patience to deal with it.
5. COUPLES THERAPY WAS MORE USEFUL THAN INDIVIDUAL THERAPY
I tried therapy and couples therapy for the first time this year. I did both from my phone, so neither were the traditional route. I preferred couples therapy more. I guess I do better with learning like I’m in school. With lessons, and applying those lessons with homework. Actually talking to a therapist was nice to vent out all my feelings, but I didn’t feel like I ever had a major breakthrough where I was learning something major that I didn’t already know. Granted I’m very self aware and know how to pinpoint and address issues in my life. I just feel like I learned a lot more useful information in couples therapy that I can apply to all my future relationships, rather than what I learned in individual therapy which just reinforced what I was already thinking/feeling.
6. I’M NOT THE BOYFRIEND YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY ARE GOING TO LOVE
In my first relationship I never got to meet any of my first boyfriend’s friends/family. So it was important for me to be able to date someone whose friends and family I’d get to interact with, and be able to introduce my boyfriend to my friends and family. My friends and family all loved my 2nd boyfriend, but can’t say the same for his side. It was fine at first, but once his family and I were at odds, they got cut off too. Which was a huge source of drama since my 2nd boyfriend was a big family man. Yet he refused to prioritize our relationship over family, and refused to create healthy boundaries to prevent his family from ever being able to cause problems in our relationship. Then when those problems spiraled out of control, I never wanted to see most of his family ever again, nor have I seen them ever again. My 2nd boyfriend even told me I’m the least favorite person he’s dated in his mother’s opinion, and even some of his friends and family made it clear they preferred his poz trailer park ex more than me. It’s laughable, and I’m honestly glad I never have to deal with his family ever again now that the relationship is over.
7. IT’S EASIER FOR STRANGERS TO BE HONEST WITH ME THAN MY BOYFRIEND AND BEST FRIENDS
My friendships and relationship came to an end this year due to everyone lying to me instead of telling me the truth. Failing to be transparent and keeping the truth from someone, is the same as lying. I don’t tolerate people doing fucked up shady shit to me, that I wouldn’t do with them. My friends having a huge 30th birthday party and not inviting me, is fucked up. Especially if I’ve included them in my bday plans forever. My boyfriend lying to me about not seeing other people, and buying his exes Christmas presents and hiding it from me, when he claimed to not have money to be buying everyone gifts, but somehow had money to spend on his ex is unforgivable to me. The lies, deception, and fakeness is not what I want from a friend or a partner. So they call can go.
8. IT TAKES TWO TO PROTECT A RELATIONSHIP
Another reason why my relationship came to an end is because I can’t be the only one trying to create a healthy relationship. I was faithful, honest, transparent, communicated. I could’ve been better, but I wasn’t blatantly telling lies to my boyfriend. i wasn’t talking to or meeting up with exes behind his back. I wasn’t buying exes gifts. I wasn’t fucking old white men behind his back after saying that I have no intention of seeing anyone else. My ex didn’t like my blog and thought it was causing problems for us, so I stopped blogging. I didn’t stop YouTubing, which did cause issues when his family didn’t like what I had to say. Yet all I was doing was recapping drama I experienced with them. I tried to make this relationship better than my first one, yet after sharing my past trauma with my second boyfriend about how my first boyfriend hurt me, my second boyfriend still chose to lie to me. That is unacceptable. He failed to be honest, transparent, or faithful. He failed to create healthy boundaries to not allow his family or exes cause problems for us. Which is why I want nothing to do with him. I view relationships like building a sandcastle together. Waves of life will come and try to knock us down, but we got to keep building. I can’t be building with a partner that is knocking us down more than life. Purposefully allowing your family, exes, new people he chooses to get involved with ruin our relationship, when I’m trying to have a healthy relationship wasn’t going to work.
9. FORGIVENESS IS THE KEY TO A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP…WHICH IS WHY I’M SINGLE
The hardest thing for me to do is forgive. I’d rather cut people out of my life that do me wrong, than keep them around and have to attempt to forgive them. We’re adults. I feel like we’re too old to have to explain right from wrong. If you’re choosing to lie, then you know what you’re doing/hiding is wrong. So don’t do it. I tried to forgive my ex for lying to me, fucking someone else behind my back, saying he owed me nothing or wasn’t sure if he wanted to be with me or a fat old white man, tried to forgive him disappearing for a night to spend the night with his poz meth head ex, tried to forgive him for buying his ex gifts behind my back, tried to forgive him for choosing his family over me when they caused issues for us, but eventually it just all became too much. There’s only so much I can take until I realize that the person I was dating is an idiot. I can’t teach an idiot how to be a good boyfriend. If he’s still making all these stupid decisions and this is his 5th relationship and only my 2nd, and I know what to do and not to do in a relationship more than him, it just never is going to work. I’d rather just cut people off and start fresh than have to forgive lying, cheating, or betrayal. Just don’t lie, be faithful, and don’t fuck over your partner over and over again. It shouldn’t be that difficult. Yet people choose to sabotage their relationships, and I’m choosing to walk away.
10. I’M HAPPIER SINGLE THAN IN A RELATIONSHIP
I love being in love. I love having a boyfriend. I love being a boyfriend. I love kissing, cuddling, staying in, having a companion, running errands together, cooking together, having someone to share my secrets with. I love having love in my life. I don’t like lies, betrayal, cheating, or bullshit. If I want to be free to do whatever and whoever I want then I’m going to choose to be single. I like being free. I like not having to answer to anyone. I like being able to talk to whatever guy i want, and hookup with whoever i want. Yet I also like being monogamous and faithful to one man. As long as he reciprocates. I’ve yet to be in a relationship with a man that actually lives by honesty, transparency, or communication. I always end up with liars, fakes, and frauds. I’d rather be single than keep wasting my love on men that don’t deserve it. I’ll never say I’m giving up on love or looking for love. I just am fine with being all by myself than unhappy with somebody else.
Song of the Day: “No Time (For My Life To Suck” by Nina Nesbitt
Song of the Day: “When Someone Loves You” by Emeli Sande feat. Nile Rodgers
Song of the Day: “Practice” by Anitta feat. A$AP Ferg & HARV